Chris Howlett

SuperMom!

"All mothers are working mothers." - Unknown

What's for Mother's Day Dinner? The answer is usually a local restaurant. It's interesting that in so many homes, the food preparation is still mostly handled by Mom. Sure, Dad can find his way around a grill, but even then he depends on Mom to prepare the sides and set the table. So, if we're going to give Mom a break we head to a restaurant. The restaurant business loves this, but the situation says something about gender roles and the load of responsibilities that moms are asked to bear. 

What it says about gender roles is that while we as a culture have spent the last fifty years (or more) attempting to redefine gender roles, basically trying to abolish them, making husband's and wives roles identical in the home, or more equitable, or shared, but it hasn’t really succeeded. While a far greater percentage of mothers with children under age 18 who are working at paid jobs outside the home today than in the 1950s, a corresponding decrease of the load of domestic responsibilities on moms has not occurred. Moms are still mostly responsible for laundry, housework, food prep, clothing shopping, etc. Dads, generally, take care of the physical plant: mowing, weed eating, fixing things that break, etc. Hours spend on these responsibilities pale in comparison to the responsibilities of moms.

I am aware of dads who shoulder their part of the domestic burden, so I don't need the emails informing me of all the wonderful things you guys are doing. I am speaking in generalities, and generally speaking, moms, in addition to working full-time outside the home, continue to shoulder the majority of the work inside the home.

This is a big part of what's behind the SuperMom Syndrome that many young women struggle with in today's world. They want to work and be career women, they want to raise a family, and that entails working two full-time jobs. Mom is already a huge job, really far more than full-time. Adding a second full-time career on top of that already demanding responsibility is crushing. 

Solutions? Well, I think there might be a few options. Let me outline in the broadest terms what I see as a sensible, Christ-centered approach. First, if you don't have time for God in your life, you're far busier than God wants you to be. Second, if you are exhausted all the time, you are far busier than God wants you to be. I have a feeling that for many working moms, this is the constant reality. So, there's a desperate need to lighten the load. There are several approaches: 1. Dads need to pick up the pace in a major way, sharing the domestic role equally (by the way, kids can do housework, too). 2. Put the career on hold and be a stay-at-home mom. This might seem drastic, but drastic times call for drastic measures. This might mean downsizing the house or number of cars, and a host of other cost-cutting measures. We tend to want to live at a much higher standard of living than one income can support and call it "need." 3. Significantly lower housekeeping standards. The family unit might not like this, but if they’re not willing to jump on #1 and if they’re not willing to take the financial hit of #3, then the standards must come down. Sure, you need to maintain a healthy and sanitary environment, but the incessant pursuit for the elusive perfect home is going to have to wait. I haven't even broached the single-mom dilemma!

There's more to all of this. The main thing is that moms are frazzled. Our culture's insistence on the SuperMom Syndrome is not healthy for moms, dads, or kids. It certainly isn't doing anything for the Kingdom of God, which is the main thing life is supposed to all about. Remember Matt. 6:33?

Well, this eVotional is way too long. So be sure to be in worship this Sunday as I share the next message in the "You Can't Do It" series: "You Can't Be SuperMom." This is a message for the whole family!

Responding to Stress

“It is how people respond to stress that determines whether they will profit from misfortune or be miserable.” - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Viktor Frankl was a Viennese neurologist when the ravages of World War II swept through Europe. Because he was Jewish, he was caught up in the Nazi war machine and shipped off to a concentration camp. During his nearly three years of captivity in various camps he observed many things about human nature. He paid particular attention to his own reactions and the reactions of others to the intolerable conditions and inhumanity of their Nazi captors. He wrote a breakthrough book about his experiences that has influenced millions of people titled, Man’s Search for Meaning. 

Frankl describes the deplorable conditions of starvation, death, and the depths of despondency to which so many were driven during those dark days. He also observed something different about the mental make-up of those who were able to hang on and survive. The survivors, faced with the same terrible circumstances, made the decision to focus on hope instead of despair. They thought about what life was going to be like after the Holocaust and the contribution they would be able to make because of their survival.

During those difficult days, Frankl observed that humans are unique creatures in that we have the amazing ability to choose how we will respond to our circumstances. The situations in which we find ourselves are not determinative of how we think and feel about ourselves, or even about the world around us. We have the power to choose.

Frankl discovered a part of humanity inherent in us from the beginning. We are created in the image of God and one of the characteristics of the image of God is free will. God has endowed us with the ability to respond, not like robots with preset reactions, but as free agents in control of our thoughts, emotions, and actions. 

Here’s the kicker. For many of us, we have been conditioned to live in a reactionary mode that minimizes our ability to make choices. We react to circumstances in kind. If the situation is negative, we react negatively. If there is stress, we get stressed out. But this is not God’s design for our best life. This is not the abundant life Jesus came to offer. By the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit we can re-train ourselves to lengthen the response time and insert our free will to make better choices. Jesus even said that when an enemy strikes us on the cheek, we’re to offer our other cheek. I don’t know about you, but I need to work on self-control to be able to follow Jesus’ direction in this respect! But God never, ever, tells us to do things he doesn’t empower us to do!

God wants us to make a contribution to the world, to his Kingdom, to his will being done on earth as it is in heaven. In order to do so, we must rise above our circumstances and choose to experience his presence and power and become the loving and joyful people he is calling us to be. We are free to choose.

 

Thriving Through Taxing Times

[Note: This is a devotional for men shared at the Christ Church Men’s Breakfast on Tax Day, April 17, 2012]

The first federal income tax was levied in 1861 in order to support the Civil War effort in the North. Initially, it was a tax only on the highest incomes. In 1862, it was overhauled, and they’ve been changing the tax code every year ever since. Keeping up with all the changes can be taxing, indeed.

Some other taxing experiences men go through today are $4.00 gasoline. When I started driving, gas was $1.21 a gallon. We are living in uncertain economic times. The real unemployment rate really isn’t getting better. Some young men whom I know through coaching at Dunbar who’ve graduated college have taken one to three years after graduation with marketable degrees from good schools to find gainful employment.

Men have a particularly difficult time in the home, today. Who are our role models for the roles men are expected to fulfill in today’s families where so many moms work just as many hours outside the home as dads? Our fathers didn’t face the same challenges as we do.

Talk about taxing! Families can be taxing. We’re overwhelmed as  a society with the busyness of pursuing that elusive dream of the well-rounded child. We must make sure that our kids are involved in everything so they can enjoy all the opportunities that could possibly come their way. Mom’s taxi service isn’t near enough to keep up with the demand.

Our families, jobs, the economy, taxes all conspire to create some pretty stressful, taxing times in which we live. Can we thrive in the midst of all the anxiety that is in and around us? I think we can if we look to the example of King David.

 

Psalm 3:1-2 O LORD, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying to me, “There is no help for you in God.” Selah

When this Psalm was written, David endured amazingly stressful times. He was king of Israel. He had successfully united the two Jewish kingdoms and Israel was at its height of power and prominence. Then the coupe d’etat. Some of his closest allies and supporters deserted and conspired to kill him. To make matters worse, Absalom, his own son, led the way. How could this happen? Well, it turns out that the royal household was quite the dysfunctional family, and this coupe attempt was the outward manifestation of years of trouble.

So, David and some of his men fled the city, lest they be killed by the usurpers, and he finds himself in the wilderness, both literally and figuratively. In the depths of this depressing situation, David writes:

 

Ps. 3:3  But you, O LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, and the one who lifts up my head. 

In this Psalm lay five Steps to Thriving Through Taxing Times:

1. Trust God's Providential Care

What an amazing testimony to faith! David, in the middle of what must have been the absolute worst time of his life, when everything he’d strove to build was falling down around him, when even his own son was seeking his demise, he trusts God’s shield of loving care.

No matter what your circumstances might be saying to you right now, God cares and God is in control. You can trust God.

 

Ps. 3:4 I cry aloud to the LORD, and he answers me from his holy hill. Selah

1. Talk to God in Prayer

David cries out to God, trusting that he hears and answers prayer.  Guys, we’re action oriented. These first two steps don’t seem to be very active. Trust and Pray? We want to jump into the problem head on and fix it. But there are times when (a) The problem is unfixable by our own efforts, or (b) We actually make matters worse because we haven’t thought it through. God always has the Big Picture Perspective. When we find ourselves in a pickle we need to do like David, trust and pray.

 

Ps. 3:5  I lie down and sleep; I wake again, for the LORD sustains me.  

2. Take Rest

For some of you it just got worse. But I like to look at this verse as evidence of the sense of inner peace David experienced. Think about it. His world is falling apart, yet because of his trust that God cares for him and his knowledge that God answers his prayers, he is able to rest in the sustaining presence of God. How often have you been stressed to the point of sleeplessness, constantly rolling stressful thoughts around in your head? I’ve been there. Done that. But David teaches us by his example that you can relax and rest. And quite possibly this might point to the fact that rest is essential to our bodies, minds, and spirits when we enter into a taxing struggle.

Ps. 3:6-7a I am not afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around. Rise up, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God!

 4. Turn Toward God's Deliverance

As my trust grows, fear and anxiety subside and I begin to turn to God’s deliverance. In my experience and in the story of David, God almost always works in and through our actions. It’s not as if David hung out in a cave, doing nothing and just waiting for God to show up. No, he had to issue orders and engage the battle. But, all along, knowing and trusting that it is God who fights for us, it is God’s strength that sustains us, it is God’s providential care that carries us along the way and through life’s most difficult journeys. We to take action and turn our lives in the direction of God’s deliverance.

 

Ps. 3:7b-8 For you strike all my enemies on the cheek; you break the teeth of the wicked. Deliverance belongs to the LORD; may your blessing be on your people! Selah

 5. Tell of God's Glory

Deliverance belongs to the Lord. He knows God worked through his actions. God gave him understanding, gifts, abilities, strengths, and a group of friends to come alongside to aid him. David used everything God gave him, trusted in God’s help and was ultimately vindicated and returned to his rightful place as king. It wasn’t easy. There were casualties along the way. Sin’s destructive consequences were felt. But David’s cause, and the cause of the people of God, were upheld. David grew personally through this experience and he was thankful for God’s help, and so, he gave God the glory.

If we are careful to look and listen we will see God at work in our lives. Even in the most difficult of circumstances, even through taxing times, God is with us and always has our very best interest at heart. Sin, that of ours and others, causes all kinds of troubles, but God is ultimately in control, he always has the right perspective, and we can always trust in him.

 

Star or Role Player?

Would you rather be a star player on a mediocre team or a role player on a great team?

This is a question I have pondered as I have watched the Kentucky Wildcats Men’s Basketball Team play this post season, starting in New Orleans at the SEC Tournament, then on television in the NCAA Tournament. Coach John Calipari remarked recently to an ESPN reporter that seven of his players were 25+ scorers per game in high school. They were stars. They were the center of attention. Now they’re on a team, where, one could argue they’re all stars, but in reality they aren’t all “stars” in the sense that they are getting the majority of the attention (the only player that might hold true for is Anthony Davis).

Going from being a star to being a role player is a big adjustment. One that we as fans shouldn’t take lightly. Especially when we’re talking about 18 and 19 year old young men. I give Coach Calipari a lion’s share of the credit for molding a bunch of stars, incredible individual athletes, into a cohesive team who plays at consistently high levels of excellence. As someone who regularly works with young people, I think this is quite an accomplishment. Sacrificing personal glory for the good of the community is a commendable act.

As we continue our journey toward the cross during this season of Lent, I wonder if those words of Jesus might ring a little different in our ears, “Deny yourself.” The whole Kingdom enterprise is built on getting fallen human beings, just like you and me, to lay down their ego needs and wants in order to work for a greater good. Self-denial is at the heart of the Gospel.

As we remember the sacrifice of Jesus, what sacrifices is he asking us to make so that his purposes will prevail in and through us? Might we be called on to sacrifice some convenience, comfort, finances, energy, and time? How are we laying aside our self-focussed agendas in order to take up our cross and be role players on a Christ-glorifying team?

 

How's Your Love Life?

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.” - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

    I always thought the above quote was from Shakespeare. Just goes to show you what you can learn in a search engine! This sentence is from “Sonnet 43,” from a collection of 44 that Browning wrote, most likely for her husband Robert Browning. They were published in 1850. It is perhaps the most famous line of any English poem, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” It is a deeply moving poem that draws you in to the depth and intensity of longing for someone, of desiring to share in a relationship of passion and love.

    In the world where we celebrate 72-day marriages, Kardashian style, our sense of the depths of love has diminished. Love seems to have been cheapened, and not only the romantic kind. The word love is thrown around as if it is easy and easy love is not going to be binding, it will not last because it is primarily based on emotion rather than commitment and connectedness.

   We may very well be in the midst of a love famine. A time when, as a people, our lives are left longing for deeper intimacy, more meaningful commitment, and more profound communion. Relationships today need an infusion of grace, a love overhaul.

    This is good news for people who are willing to put their trust in God. He specializes in relationships. The first relationship we can experience greater connection is our relationship with him. The Bible says the God is love, and that all love originates with him. Perhaps this is what we are lacking, because what passes for love in our culture is really closer to lust. Love is moving outside oneself to give oneself to the other. Lust is inward focussed, seeing only what I can get out of a relationship, not what I can give.

    Well, God sent Jesus into the world to reveal what love is and the life of love we can live when we put our faith in him, receive love from him and love him in return. This love makes all the difference. In the new series I will be teaching at Christ Church starting this week, titled Living the Love Life, we’ll explore what love is and how we can know this most vital and life-giving experience of love.

Change Happens

“For what it’s worth it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it.” - Benjamin Button, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

No one wants to change for the worst. I don’t think any drug addict started off thinking, “Gee, I’d really like to become physically dependent on this stuff to the point that I will abandon the people closest to me so I can get more of it.” No one begins a new school year saying, “Oh boy, I think I want to flunk all my classes and waste my teachers’ and my time and have to do this all over again!” I’ve never met a parent who said, “I can’t wait until my child gets old enough to fend for himself so I can ignore his needs and focus only on me.”

No one does that. But, all three scenarios, even as extreme as they are, occur every day. People don’t neglect their children, flunk out of school, and get addicted to drugs intentionally, but these are the possible results when we don’t pay attention to our habits.

Most of us won’t end up in any of the above nightmare scenarios, but we will miss the very best that God has planned for us when we neglect paying close attention to our habitual behaviors. We mostly set ourselves on autopilot and start heading in a direction. But when we arrive we discover it’s not exactly where we hoped we would be: the guy who experiences financial success but is so distant from his spouse that he hardly knows her at the end of the day; the mom whose life was totally consumed by kids, that when the last one leaves the nest, she doesn’t recognize the face sitting across the breakfast table; the college student who started school with a strong faith but never participated in a college ministry and graduates with little or no faith, wondering why life has lost much of its meaning.

Life has a kind of entropy about it. It tends to slowly breakdown over time, especially if we don’t keep a close check on our habits.

In order to experience the positive change that we desire and live the very best life we can, we must put energy into maintaining the very best habits and behaviors. Life has a way of passing us by if we don’t truthfully reflect on where we’re heading and make those little course corrections along the way. God has an amazing destination plotted out for us and he has called us to partner with him in living the amazing life he has planned! I will be sharing and exciting message this week at Christ Church, part of the Happy New You! series titled Changing for the Better. Change is inevitable, but I want to change in the direction of God’s very best life for me. See you in worship!

Christopher Hitchens on Christianity

“I would say that if you don’t believe that Jesus of Nazareth was the Christ and Messiah, and that he rose again from the dead and by his sacrifice our sins are forgiven, you’re really not in any meaningful sense a Christian.” - Christopher Hitchens

Christopher Hitchens died this past week. He was one of the outspoken provocateurs of a group of people that came to be known as the Angry Atheists. Hitchens was a highly skilled writer and talented debater for his various causes, which were many, beyond just his anti-religious views.

The above quote occurred in the context of a discussion about various Christian perspectives, some of which, coming from modernist positions, believed Jesus was special but not supernatural. Hitchens rightly observes that if you don’t believe in the supernatural, you really can’t be a Christian.

This week we celebrate the miracle of the Incarnation. The miraculous birth of God as a human being in the person of Jesus of Nazareth. This is a most spectacular idea, indeed.

Very many people have trouble believing such things. I suppose Christopher Hitchens was at the front of the line. I, myself, would have trouble believing anything as remotely possible as a virgin birth if it were not for another miracle: the Resurrection. The Resurrection makes sense out of everything else, including the Incarnation. The Resurrection had to happen because without it explaining the rise of the early church becomes impossible.

So, this week, as we look to the Babe of Bethlehem, let’s keep our minds on the Risen Lord of the Garden Tomb and thank God for miracles.

All Saints... Not the New Orleans Kind

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, who for the sake of the joy that was set before him endured the cross, disregarding its shame, and has taken his seat at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2 (NRSV)

In the 1984 film, Places in the Heart, Sally Fields plays the recently widowed Edna Spalding, trying to hold her family together on their farm during the Depression. Her husband Royce, the sheriff, had been killed in an accident. A young African-American man, Wylie, is lynched because of the accident. Along the way through her struggles she’s helped by her two young children and Moze, a wandering African-American man, and Mr. Will, a blind boarder. This unlikely rag tag “family” works and scrapes and manages to make the loan payment on the farm. It is a touching story. And the ending is phenomenal.

The final scene takes place in church. The choir is singing In the Garden, “he walks with me and talks with me…” as the congregation passes the communion elements down the pews. The camera pans past several worshippers who figure prominently in the story, then on to Edna, Moze, Mr. Will, her children, and then, as if they were still alive and sitting in the service, her husband, Royce sitting next to Wylie. The last words spoken in the film are spoken by Wylie. As he receives communion, which was passed to him by Royce, he turns and says to him, “Peace of God.”

It’s an amazing vision of perseverance and faith, of forgiveness and community. On "All Saints Day," which is today, we need to be reminded that we are not on the journey alone. We are surrounded by a “great cloud of witnesses” who are cheering us on: on through life’s joys and struggles as we keep the faith and serve the Kingdom.

What Is Success?

“To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.” -- Baruch Spinoza

Success means being faithful to God’s purpose for you. For some people, this means using the talents and gifts God has given them to develop new products that make life easier for others. These people will discover significant material rewards for their talents because these talents line up with what society values. Others have talents society does not value near as much. Consider the person who is especially gifted at encouraging elderly persons having difficulty adjusting to life after a spouse dies. Although this person is using their talents and gifts just as, if not more, effectively than the earlier example, society simply does not value older adults (at least not Western society). Great financial gain does not issue forth from exercising these gifts and talents.

However, that is a successful life. Being the person God made you. Too many people, striving for what the world says success is, completely avoid success because they deny their basic identity as a child of God created in the image of God in order to serve the purposes of God. Financial reward may be in the mix for such people, but happiness will always remain elusive.

The challenge for those who want to be true to themselves and true to the God who created them, is ignoring the advice and direction given to them by the world and follow their hearts. God has a wonderful promise along these lines: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Ps. 37:4 ESV). If you are faithful to God’s purpose for you, you will discover true success in life.

The Prayer of First Resort

“We tend to use prayer as a last resort, but God wants it to be our first line of defense. We pray when there's nothing else we can do, but God wants us to pray before we do anything at all. Most of us would prefer, however, to spend our time doing something that will get immediate results. We don't want to wait for God to resolve matters in His good time because His idea of 'good time' is seldom in sync with ours.” – Oswald Chambers

Someone once said prayer is a conversation between two friends. If this is so, why do we put so little hope in prayer except when we are at the end of the rope? Self-reliance is the norm. God-reliance is the exception.

I think one of the main reasons for is our basic misunderstanding of God’s character. We know he is holy and just. We are aware of God’s righteousness. But it is God’s closeness to us that we have a difficult time grasping.

Prayer is meant to be a daily and natural experience for the believer. I’m afraid there is too much of the “old man” in me sometimes and prayer gets pushed to the background while I try to work out things on my own with my own strength using my own resources. But I have a friend who has the ultimate strength and the ultimate resources and he loves me.

This week, before things start to get tough, try praying. God is on your side. He cares. God wants to be an intimate friend. Let prayer be your first resort.