Chris Howlett

SuperMom!

"All mothers are working mothers." - Unknown

What's for Mother's Day Dinner? The answer is usually a local restaurant. It's interesting that in so many homes, the food preparation is still mostly handled by Mom. Sure, Dad can find his way around a grill, but even then he depends on Mom to prepare the sides and set the table. So, if we're going to give Mom a break we head to a restaurant. The restaurant business loves this, but the situation says something about gender roles and the load of responsibilities that moms are asked to bear. 

What it says about gender roles is that while we as a culture have spent the last fifty years (or more) attempting to redefine gender roles, basically trying to abolish them, making husband's and wives roles identical in the home, or more equitable, or shared, but it hasn’t really succeeded. While a far greater percentage of mothers with children under age 18 who are working at paid jobs outside the home today than in the 1950s, a corresponding decrease of the load of domestic responsibilities on moms has not occurred. Moms are still mostly responsible for laundry, housework, food prep, clothing shopping, etc. Dads, generally, take care of the physical plant: mowing, weed eating, fixing things that break, etc. Hours spend on these responsibilities pale in comparison to the responsibilities of moms.

I am aware of dads who shoulder their part of the domestic burden, so I don't need the emails informing me of all the wonderful things you guys are doing. I am speaking in generalities, and generally speaking, moms, in addition to working full-time outside the home, continue to shoulder the majority of the work inside the home.

This is a big part of what's behind the SuperMom Syndrome that many young women struggle with in today's world. They want to work and be career women, they want to raise a family, and that entails working two full-time jobs. Mom is already a huge job, really far more than full-time. Adding a second full-time career on top of that already demanding responsibility is crushing. 

Solutions? Well, I think there might be a few options. Let me outline in the broadest terms what I see as a sensible, Christ-centered approach. First, if you don't have time for God in your life, you're far busier than God wants you to be. Second, if you are exhausted all the time, you are far busier than God wants you to be. I have a feeling that for many working moms, this is the constant reality. So, there's a desperate need to lighten the load. There are several approaches: 1. Dads need to pick up the pace in a major way, sharing the domestic role equally (by the way, kids can do housework, too). 2. Put the career on hold and be a stay-at-home mom. This might seem drastic, but drastic times call for drastic measures. This might mean downsizing the house or number of cars, and a host of other cost-cutting measures. We tend to want to live at a much higher standard of living than one income can support and call it "need." 3. Significantly lower housekeeping standards. The family unit might not like this, but if they’re not willing to jump on #1 and if they’re not willing to take the financial hit of #3, then the standards must come down. Sure, you need to maintain a healthy and sanitary environment, but the incessant pursuit for the elusive perfect home is going to have to wait. I haven't even broached the single-mom dilemma!

There's more to all of this. The main thing is that moms are frazzled. Our culture's insistence on the SuperMom Syndrome is not healthy for moms, dads, or kids. It certainly isn't doing anything for the Kingdom of God, which is the main thing life is supposed to all about. Remember Matt. 6:33?

Well, this eVotional is way too long. So be sure to be in worship this Sunday as I share the next message in the "You Can't Do It" series: "You Can't Be SuperMom." This is a message for the whole family!

How Big Is Your God?

“Are your problems bigger than God, or is God bigger than your problems? Our biggest problem is a small view of God.” – Mark Batterson

How big is your God? That’s a question we need to hear when we perceive our problems are too big to handle. The truth is that oftentimes our problems are too big to handle... alone. That’s both bad news and good news. It’s bad news because we discover we can’t do anything and everything with our own strength. It’s good news because it’s an incredible opportunity to learn how to trust God. God is big. God is on our side.

The Bible says, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Rom. 8:31). Of course, this is a rhetorical question. The answer is no one. If God is for us then the greatest person and strongest power in the universe is on our side and no matter what might rise up against us, it is minuscule compared to the greatness of our loving God.

So, next time, perhaps this week, when you feel like you’re in a bind or facing a problem bigger than yourself, rejoice! It’s a wonderful opportunity to put your faith into action and trust the God who loves you, who cares for you, and is big enough to do something about it.

 

Responding to Stress

“It is how people respond to stress that determines whether they will profit from misfortune or be miserable.” - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Viktor Frankl was a Viennese neurologist when the ravages of World War II swept through Europe. Because he was Jewish, he was caught up in the Nazi war machine and shipped off to a concentration camp. During his nearly three years of captivity in various camps he observed many things about human nature. He paid particular attention to his own reactions and the reactions of others to the intolerable conditions and inhumanity of their Nazi captors. He wrote a breakthrough book about his experiences that has influenced millions of people titled, Man’s Search for Meaning. 

Frankl describes the deplorable conditions of starvation, death, and the depths of despondency to which so many were driven during those dark days. He also observed something different about the mental make-up of those who were able to hang on and survive. The survivors, faced with the same terrible circumstances, made the decision to focus on hope instead of despair. They thought about what life was going to be like after the Holocaust and the contribution they would be able to make because of their survival.

During those difficult days, Frankl observed that humans are unique creatures in that we have the amazing ability to choose how we will respond to our circumstances. The situations in which we find ourselves are not determinative of how we think and feel about ourselves, or even about the world around us. We have the power to choose.

Frankl discovered a part of humanity inherent in us from the beginning. We are created in the image of God and one of the characteristics of the image of God is free will. God has endowed us with the ability to respond, not like robots with preset reactions, but as free agents in control of our thoughts, emotions, and actions. 

Here’s the kicker. For many of us, we have been conditioned to live in a reactionary mode that minimizes our ability to make choices. We react to circumstances in kind. If the situation is negative, we react negatively. If there is stress, we get stressed out. But this is not God’s design for our best life. This is not the abundant life Jesus came to offer. By the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit we can re-train ourselves to lengthen the response time and insert our free will to make better choices. Jesus even said that when an enemy strikes us on the cheek, we’re to offer our other cheek. I don’t know about you, but I need to work on self-control to be able to follow Jesus’ direction in this respect! But God never, ever, tells us to do things he doesn’t empower us to do!

God wants us to make a contribution to the world, to his Kingdom, to his will being done on earth as it is in heaven. In order to do so, we must rise above our circumstances and choose to experience his presence and power and become the loving and joyful people he is calling us to be. We are free to choose.

 

Thriving Through Taxing Times

[Note: This is a devotional for men shared at the Christ Church Men’s Breakfast on Tax Day, April 17, 2012]

The first federal income tax was levied in 1861 in order to support the Civil War effort in the North. Initially, it was a tax only on the highest incomes. In 1862, it was overhauled, and they’ve been changing the tax code every year ever since. Keeping up with all the changes can be taxing, indeed.

Some other taxing experiences men go through today are $4.00 gasoline. When I started driving, gas was $1.21 a gallon. We are living in uncertain economic times. The real unemployment rate really isn’t getting better. Some young men whom I know through coaching at Dunbar who’ve graduated college have taken one to three years after graduation with marketable degrees from good schools to find gainful employment.

Men have a particularly difficult time in the home, today. Who are our role models for the roles men are expected to fulfill in today’s families where so many moms work just as many hours outside the home as dads? Our fathers didn’t face the same challenges as we do.

Talk about taxing! Families can be taxing. We’re overwhelmed as  a society with the busyness of pursuing that elusive dream of the well-rounded child. We must make sure that our kids are involved in everything so they can enjoy all the opportunities that could possibly come their way. Mom’s taxi service isn’t near enough to keep up with the demand.

Our families, jobs, the economy, taxes all conspire to create some pretty stressful, taxing times in which we live. Can we thrive in the midst of all the anxiety that is in and around us? I think we can if we look to the example of King David.

 

Psalm 3:1-2 O LORD, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying to me, “There is no help for you in God.” Selah

When this Psalm was written, David endured amazingly stressful times. He was king of Israel. He had successfully united the two Jewish kingdoms and Israel was at its height of power and prominence. Then the coupe d’etat. Some of his closest allies and supporters deserted and conspired to kill him. To make matters worse, Absalom, his own son, led the way. How could this happen? Well, it turns out that the royal household was quite the dysfunctional family, and this coupe attempt was the outward manifestation of years of trouble.

So, David and some of his men fled the city, lest they be killed by the usurpers, and he finds himself in the wilderness, both literally and figuratively. In the depths of this depressing situation, David writes:

 

Ps. 3:3  But you, O LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, and the one who lifts up my head. 

In this Psalm lay five Steps to Thriving Through Taxing Times:

1. Trust God's Providential Care

What an amazing testimony to faith! David, in the middle of what must have been the absolute worst time of his life, when everything he’d strove to build was falling down around him, when even his own son was seeking his demise, he trusts God’s shield of loving care.

No matter what your circumstances might be saying to you right now, God cares and God is in control. You can trust God.

 

Ps. 3:4 I cry aloud to the LORD, and he answers me from his holy hill. Selah

1. Talk to God in Prayer

David cries out to God, trusting that he hears and answers prayer.  Guys, we’re action oriented. These first two steps don’t seem to be very active. Trust and Pray? We want to jump into the problem head on and fix it. But there are times when (a) The problem is unfixable by our own efforts, or (b) We actually make matters worse because we haven’t thought it through. God always has the Big Picture Perspective. When we find ourselves in a pickle we need to do like David, trust and pray.

 

Ps. 3:5  I lie down and sleep; I wake again, for the LORD sustains me.  

2. Take Rest

For some of you it just got worse. But I like to look at this verse as evidence of the sense of inner peace David experienced. Think about it. His world is falling apart, yet because of his trust that God cares for him and his knowledge that God answers his prayers, he is able to rest in the sustaining presence of God. How often have you been stressed to the point of sleeplessness, constantly rolling stressful thoughts around in your head? I’ve been there. Done that. But David teaches us by his example that you can relax and rest. And quite possibly this might point to the fact that rest is essential to our bodies, minds, and spirits when we enter into a taxing struggle.

Ps. 3:6-7a I am not afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around. Rise up, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God!

 4. Turn Toward God's Deliverance

As my trust grows, fear and anxiety subside and I begin to turn to God’s deliverance. In my experience and in the story of David, God almost always works in and through our actions. It’s not as if David hung out in a cave, doing nothing and just waiting for God to show up. No, he had to issue orders and engage the battle. But, all along, knowing and trusting that it is God who fights for us, it is God’s strength that sustains us, it is God’s providential care that carries us along the way and through life’s most difficult journeys. We to take action and turn our lives in the direction of God’s deliverance.

 

Ps. 3:7b-8 For you strike all my enemies on the cheek; you break the teeth of the wicked. Deliverance belongs to the LORD; may your blessing be on your people! Selah

 5. Tell of God's Glory

Deliverance belongs to the Lord. He knows God worked through his actions. God gave him understanding, gifts, abilities, strengths, and a group of friends to come alongside to aid him. David used everything God gave him, trusted in God’s help and was ultimately vindicated and returned to his rightful place as king. It wasn’t easy. There were casualties along the way. Sin’s destructive consequences were felt. But David’s cause, and the cause of the people of God, were upheld. David grew personally through this experience and he was thankful for God’s help, and so, he gave God the glory.

If we are careful to look and listen we will see God at work in our lives. Even in the most difficult of circumstances, even through taxing times, God is with us and always has our very best interest at heart. Sin, that of ours and others, causes all kinds of troubles, but God is ultimately in control, he always has the right perspective, and we can always trust in him.

 

Star or Role Player?

Would you rather be a star player on a mediocre team or a role player on a great team?

This is a question I have pondered as I have watched the Kentucky Wildcats Men’s Basketball Team play this post season, starting in New Orleans at the SEC Tournament, then on television in the NCAA Tournament. Coach John Calipari remarked recently to an ESPN reporter that seven of his players were 25+ scorers per game in high school. They were stars. They were the center of attention. Now they’re on a team, where, one could argue they’re all stars, but in reality they aren’t all “stars” in the sense that they are getting the majority of the attention (the only player that might hold true for is Anthony Davis).

Going from being a star to being a role player is a big adjustment. One that we as fans shouldn’t take lightly. Especially when we’re talking about 18 and 19 year old young men. I give Coach Calipari a lion’s share of the credit for molding a bunch of stars, incredible individual athletes, into a cohesive team who plays at consistently high levels of excellence. As someone who regularly works with young people, I think this is quite an accomplishment. Sacrificing personal glory for the good of the community is a commendable act.

As we continue our journey toward the cross during this season of Lent, I wonder if those words of Jesus might ring a little different in our ears, “Deny yourself.” The whole Kingdom enterprise is built on getting fallen human beings, just like you and me, to lay down their ego needs and wants in order to work for a greater good. Self-denial is at the heart of the Gospel.

As we remember the sacrifice of Jesus, what sacrifices is he asking us to make so that his purposes will prevail in and through us? Might we be called on to sacrifice some convenience, comfort, finances, energy, and time? How are we laying aside our self-focussed agendas in order to take up our cross and be role players on a Christ-glorifying team?

 

On Saint Valentine's Day

“Love is the revelation of our deepest personal meaning, value and identity. But this revelation remains impossible as long as we are the prisoners of our own egoism. I cannot find myself in myself, but only in another.” - Thomas Merton

    If you gave the above quote only a cursory reading, read it again. Merton offers profound insight into Matthew 22:37-39 where Jesus says the greatest commandment is to love God and the second is like it, love your neighbor as yourself. To love my neighbor is, in a sense to love myself because when I reach outside of my self to love, I discover what true love is and am even able to receive love myself. Of course, there is the chicken and egg question. Which came first, my reception of God’s love, or my sharing love with my neighbor?

    I think this is a mathematics question that cannot be answered by our limited human logic. No doubt, God gave us wonderful minds to think amazingly complex thoughts, but God’s thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and his ways are higher than our ways.

    I have found it to be true that we always obey this command, to love our neighbors as ourselves. We obey this because our reaching out in love toward our neighbor is predicated on our ability to receive love from God. If I can’t receive God’s love I won’t love myself very much and I will not be able to love others. People who don’t know love don’t love.

    Ultimately, the “other” to whom Merton refers is God. I find my true self in God and in God’s love for me because I am a unique creation of his and I bear his image deep within my being. Today is Valentine’s Day, and as the legend goes, Valentine was a man who sacrificially loved others, defying the orders of the Emperor by performing clandestine marriages. What made him miraculous and saintly was not romantic love, but sacrificial love. For most people, romantic love can be boiled down to lust. Lust is all about me. Sacrificial love, on the other hand is best modeled in the love of Jesus who laid down his life for us. Valentine understood this. His response to the sacrificial love of God was to sacrificially love others, in so doing he discovered his true self.

Moses and the Ten Suggestions

I’ve come up with an idea: a way to contemporize the Ten Commandments. I thought I would offer these as a way of making the Bible more approachable. I was thinking about producing a new film, instead of  “Moses and the Ten Commandments,” I’ll name my film, “Moses and the Ten Suggestions.” Instead of someone in the lead role like Charlton Heston, I thought we’d go with Larry the Cable Guy.

Moses and the Ten Suggestions

1. I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have many other gods before me.

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you hit thy thumb with a hammer, or someone cuts you off in traffic, or you get a bad grade on an exam, or... oh what the heck, don’t do it unless something bad happens.

3. Remember the Sabbath day is the day for golf, fishing, shopping, sleeping in, thy kid’s sporting events, or anything that seems mildly fun or interesting.

4. It’s probably a good idea to call thy mother on Mother’s Day. Dad can take care of himself.

5. Thou shalt not murder anyone who doesn’t deserve it.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless thy spouse has not been paying attention to you lately.

7. Thou shalt not steal when someone is watching.

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor if telling the truth is to thy advantage.

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, unless it’s really, really cool.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, unless she’s really, really hot.

Unfortunately, this is how some of us approach the commands of God, we obey when it’s convenient, when someone else is watching, when it won't cost us too much. We fail to realize the instructions from God that are in the Bible, the commandments God gives are for the purpose of helping us live the very best life possible. The commands of God are really life preservers, boundaries set up to empower us to live a life of happiness, wholeness, and abundance.

Jesus says: “If you love me, you will obey what I command” (John 14:15 NIV84). If we really want to show God how much we love him we can follow his plans and principles because he loves us so much. You’ll never regret following God.

How's Your Love Life?

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.” - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

    I always thought the above quote was from Shakespeare. Just goes to show you what you can learn in a search engine! This sentence is from “Sonnet 43,” from a collection of 44 that Browning wrote, most likely for her husband Robert Browning. They were published in 1850. It is perhaps the most famous line of any English poem, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” It is a deeply moving poem that draws you in to the depth and intensity of longing for someone, of desiring to share in a relationship of passion and love.

    In the world where we celebrate 72-day marriages, Kardashian style, our sense of the depths of love has diminished. Love seems to have been cheapened, and not only the romantic kind. The word love is thrown around as if it is easy and easy love is not going to be binding, it will not last because it is primarily based on emotion rather than commitment and connectedness.

   We may very well be in the midst of a love famine. A time when, as a people, our lives are left longing for deeper intimacy, more meaningful commitment, and more profound communion. Relationships today need an infusion of grace, a love overhaul.

    This is good news for people who are willing to put their trust in God. He specializes in relationships. The first relationship we can experience greater connection is our relationship with him. The Bible says the God is love, and that all love originates with him. Perhaps this is what we are lacking, because what passes for love in our culture is really closer to lust. Love is moving outside oneself to give oneself to the other. Lust is inward focussed, seeing only what I can get out of a relationship, not what I can give.

    Well, God sent Jesus into the world to reveal what love is and the life of love we can live when we put our faith in him, receive love from him and love him in return. This love makes all the difference. In the new series I will be teaching at Christ Church starting this week, titled Living the Love Life, we’ll explore what love is and how we can know this most vital and life-giving experience of love.

The School of Adversity

“There is no education like adversity.” – Benjamin Disraeli

    In human life it is impossible to avoid suffering. Siddhartha Gautama, the man who later became known as the Buddha, was raised in a highly privileged and protected environment as the son of a royal. When he was a young man he escaped the confines of the family compound where his every need had been met and every whim obeyed, and came face to face with real life. He witnessed poverty, death, and suffering. This was a shock to his system. He came to believe that human life, itself, consisted of suffering and that the only way out of this suffering was to basically cease being human.

    God saw our suffering and pain and decided the only way for humans to experience fulfilling lives was for him to send his only Son to enter into human suffering and redeem it for his purposes. The Buddha advises that we escape adversity. Jesus promises to suffer with us and speak meaning into adversity by suffering on behalf of a hurting and dying world. The resurrection of Jesus points to the defeat of suffering and the truth that human life is not defined by pain and death, but by love and life.   

    Sin is the cause of human suffering, but God uses suffering to shape and mold our character. He can turn pain into promise if we allow his healing presence to open our eyes to a bigger picture perspective about ourselves, life, and the world in which we live. The most inspirational stories I know are about people, with God’s help, who overcome the adversity they experience and live life far beyond the limits they initially believed their circumstances dictated.

    When you find yourself suffering, think of it as schooling and look for the life lessons and hope Jesus Christ brings because he has entered suffering for and with us.

Change Happens

“For what it’s worth it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it.” - Benjamin Button, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

No one wants to change for the worst. I don’t think any drug addict started off thinking, “Gee, I’d really like to become physically dependent on this stuff to the point that I will abandon the people closest to me so I can get more of it.” No one begins a new school year saying, “Oh boy, I think I want to flunk all my classes and waste my teachers’ and my time and have to do this all over again!” I’ve never met a parent who said, “I can’t wait until my child gets old enough to fend for himself so I can ignore his needs and focus only on me.”

No one does that. But, all three scenarios, even as extreme as they are, occur every day. People don’t neglect their children, flunk out of school, and get addicted to drugs intentionally, but these are the possible results when we don’t pay attention to our habits.

Most of us won’t end up in any of the above nightmare scenarios, but we will miss the very best that God has planned for us when we neglect paying close attention to our habitual behaviors. We mostly set ourselves on autopilot and start heading in a direction. But when we arrive we discover it’s not exactly where we hoped we would be: the guy who experiences financial success but is so distant from his spouse that he hardly knows her at the end of the day; the mom whose life was totally consumed by kids, that when the last one leaves the nest, she doesn’t recognize the face sitting across the breakfast table; the college student who started school with a strong faith but never participated in a college ministry and graduates with little or no faith, wondering why life has lost much of its meaning.

Life has a kind of entropy about it. It tends to slowly breakdown over time, especially if we don’t keep a close check on our habits.

In order to experience the positive change that we desire and live the very best life we can, we must put energy into maintaining the very best habits and behaviors. Life has a way of passing us by if we don’t truthfully reflect on where we’re heading and make those little course corrections along the way. God has an amazing destination plotted out for us and he has called us to partner with him in living the amazing life he has planned! I will be sharing and exciting message this week at Christ Church, part of the Happy New You! series titled Changing for the Better. Change is inevitable, but I want to change in the direction of God’s very best life for me. See you in worship!